You've got the reverse issue with men

I'm describing a dream boat to my friend Erin. I won't say who he is, but I will say that I describe him as someone who is passionate about everything he likes, wants to share his personal success with his coworkers and who treats his wife amazingly.

Erin looks to me and says "You've got the reverse issue with men. You want a man that's too good." I laugh and return with "The problem is that my dad is such an awesome guy." So many girls go after guys like their asshole fathers. They seek out bad boys. They like men who treat them like shit and who make them cry and beg for love and affection. Daddy issues? My daddy issue is that I am truly and fully attracted to men who treat people well and have a lot of kindness in them.

So, the impossible search continues. Show me a guy who is passionate but sensitive. Show me a guy who's great in the kitchen and as great in the sack. Show me a guy who's fucking hilarious but also wants to talk about things.  Show me a guy who's ambitious but realistic.

Actually, scratch that. Show me a guy who loves me. That's it. The rest is just a bonus.

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Stuck in the middle

Okay, the binge is done. It's February now. I had my month of college nostalgia. My partner in red-lipped dancing crime has left me for Colombia so it's been a lot easier to settle down. For the most part I'm back to my regular, mediocre life.

But the next question, now that party stage 2012 is on its way out (save for the crazy bender I'm going on this weekend in Seattle), is "what's next?"

On Sunday I went for a hike in the NW Portland hills and I passed by these beautiful homes with spectacular gardens. This little piece of me yearned to be a homeowner and to go shopping for furniture and fancy kitchen appliances and to plant a garden and host parties and sit by my fire with a book and a love. But in a moment it was gone and I found myself suddenly jealous of my friends who were living large. Going out every night, doing blow like it's going out of style (wait, didn't it already?), banging different chicks every night and waking up to breakfast at Denny's. What is this? Some fucking movie about frat boys? But seriously, most of the people I'm jealous of are my guy friends who are not in relationships. They're the ones getting instant gratification. Honestly, I'm not actually very jealous of the friends that are in relationships, which completely contradicts my seemingly most important goal: boyfriend.

Suddenly I wonder, do I even want to fall in love? I spend so much of my time analyzing why I can't find it, why nobody wants to be with me. But when I really think about it, I wonder if I am just so terrified of losing my independence that in actuality, against my will, I'm trying not to fall in love... I think of all the things that change in relationships: the sharing of space, the constant communication, the answering to someone about your decisions and whereabouts, the need to please someone else. That doesn't sound fun at all. But then, I think about the companionship and validation. The sharing of life's important achievements. Having someone to count on. The ability to have sex whenever you want it. But then, the sex drive goes away and you don't want it. But then, you replace it with other things that make you happy like traveling and kids and growing old together. But then, the sex...

Take me back in time when I was 20 and it was all pretty clear: I'm in college. I'm going to class (sometimes) and I do homework (sometimes) and then I drink a lot and eat burritos a lot and do drugs and laugh and laugh and laugh. If a boy comes along, I might love him, or I might sleep with him, but I always know that it won't last because, well, it's college. I have the future to look forward to, but the great thing is that it's so far away I don't even think about it. I'm surrounded by friends, I get three months off for summer, my loans pay my bills and I sleep til 11 nearly every day. I'm a child pretending to be a grown up and damn it's easy.

Now I'm an adult pretending to be a grown up and it's hard because I just don't want to be.

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Party like it's 2005

Okay, I'll admit it. I was being a bit dramatic. Day one of that cleanse was horrible. It was all about self control and questioning my intentions. By the end of the day I wasn't even hungry. I was just picturing what three weeks of denying myself everything was going to feel like and I wondered why I was even considering it.

In the end, I was never really clear about my intentions and I decided that doing the cleanse was depriving me of social opportunities. Right now, socializing is what I need for my happiness and so I decided it was much more important to see my friends and participate in life than it was to detox things that I wasn't even that worried about. I did it for six and a half days and only cheated slightly (a couple slices of cheese and some decaf coffee). I lost a couple pounds, ate a bunch of produce and didn't poop for days. All in all, I'm ecstatic that I'm back to my regular life.

After having the most amazing weekend with my old college friends over New Years Eve, I realized that I'm getting in a rut here. A rut overflowing with wonderful friends who all happen to be coupled up and who mostly prefer to "stay in and make dinner" or go out "for a drink." I want to go out for 7 drinks. I want to dance so hard I'm sore the next day. I want to make out with strangers at bars. I want to wake up in the morning and look at my bank statement and say to myself "how the fuck did I spend so much money?" I know I'm not in college anymore but damn it, I'm single and in my 20s and I want to have fun. I've decided to spend more of my time surrounding myself in other people who want that too. I love all my friends and would never want to lose any of them, but I need some more action.

So I'm going out more. I'm sleeping less. I'm spending more money. I'm eating worse. I'm drinking too much. I'm neglecting the gym. I'm obsessing over boys. I'm not reading. I'm not learning. I'm not saving money for the things I want to buy. I'm dancing all the time. I'm laughing all the time. I'm excited for the weekends. I'm starting 2012 off like I'm 21 and you know what? I like it.

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Cleanses are for fucking assholes

So more than one friend (two to be exact) both came to me separately about a month ago talking about cleansing. I'd never really thought about doing one and for some reason I decided that it sounded like a good idea. So I binged like hell over the holidays knowing that I'd be ridding myself of whatever whatever blah blah blah.

I'm not really sure why I agreed to this. Is it truly about my health? Is it because normally I don't even care about the toxins I put into my body always? Is it about wanting to be a regular pooper for once in my life? Is it the discipline of it all? Or is it truly just because I heard you lose a few pounds? I don't know the answer. I think right now, after one single day of this stupid, stupid idea, the discipline is the only attractive part about it left. 

And guess what? I have none. I made it through today and by the end of the day was so calorie-depleted that I didn't go to the gym. That doesn't sound so productive? The cleanse was supposed to be 21 days. I started a day late and said "I'll do 20 because that event I want to go to is on the 22nd day so I can't really start a day late..." Then today, after drinking my first disgusting smoothie, I said to my coworkers "It's supposed to be 3 weeks but I'll be happy if I just do 2." By the end of the night, I was texting my friend Lindsey who's also cleansing saying "I don't really want to do this." 

I don't. I don't feel that unhappy or unhealthy in my life. I don't think that depriving myself of food is going to help me. I certainly don't think not having a social life because I can't fucking eat anything is going to help either. 

I guess it's that discipline thing. We're challenged every day by stupid tests of discipline. When we tell ourselves we won't fuck around on our cell phones while we are hanging out with friends but do it anyway. When I tell myself I'll actually work the whole day long and instead really work only half. Every night when I try to go to sleep at a decent hour but end up staying up doing the lousiest, worthless stuff. When I promise myself I'll cook more but always find an excuse to eat out. 

We are a culture of kids who know exactly what we should be doing but just can't be bothered to do it. 

Will cleansing my fucking colon cleanse me of my terrible habits? I doubt it. I want a corn dog. 

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It sucks to grow up

Everybody knows.

Today I had to take responsibility and last minute line something serious up for work and now I'm super nervous that it might fall through and I'll let down my boss and the company. There's probably no reason to be worried, but at work, I feel like a kid. I'm one of the young twenty-somethings, with my desk stationed in the back office amongst "the kids" (as I like to call us), who all make little money and do whatever we're told. I like it that way.

Responsibility sucks. And, in spite of all the desperate desires I have to fall in love, it makes me like being single; I don't have to answer to anyone. Nobody's feelings or plans are in my hands. I can disappear and no one will notice. I can spend whatever money I want and not feel guilty. It's great.

But now, as I grow older, I'm seeing expectations growing with me. From my superiors. From my peers. From my parents. From myself really. I want to buy dinner for my family when we go out. I want people to know they can count on me. But I also want to run away to another country and forget my obligations. The sad thing is, at 26, my only real obligation is a job that I could probably leave behind.

A conflicted girl I am. Do I try to become more responsible and make commitments and be someone reliable or do I try to become less responsible and do the things that are piling up on my wish list? What I really want to do is dance, eat carrot cake, go on warm night swims and read trashy books.

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F

We failed, Margaux and I.

That little failure of a project is the epitome of the life of a 26 year old with no plans in sight. Every great idea I come up with lasts exactly long enough to convince myself I'll do it. And then I don't.

Not only did we both procrastinate and post our "assignments" late, we never did another one. It's both our faults. We recently agreed that the idea of having a blog is much better than actually doing it, which mostly sucks. I will never find the motivation to keep this up regularly. And for this reason, I don't tell anyone this blog exists. And for that reason... what's the point?

But, to update on my previous post in which I mapped out my plans to become a master gardener:

1. Roommate planted garden without me while I was at work so now I'm not invested at all in it (and it's not doing well). But the good news is that Margaux has asked me to help plant her garden at the house she just bought and I'm ecstatic.
2. Didn't buy a book or explore but I did go home on Memorial Day weekend and mom taught me about flowers and new plants. Planted new flower pots, nasturtiums and strawberries.
3. Mushroom hunting plans in process. Looking for nerdy mushroom-hunting group to join.
4. Bonsai on hold.
5. Gave 2 jades away.

That's probably not an F. But definitely a C- at best. And I used to be a straight A student.

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Plant Prowess

Here is my assignment from Miss Mennesson:
-What is the one skill you wish you had learned, or are realizing you want to learn? Why and how would it benefit you personally and/or professionally to know that skill? And come up with a plan to start learning it.

Okay, at first I didn't like this question. And the reason is because the correct answer is not an answer I like at all. The correct answer is web coding. In the field I'm currently in, this is the final frontier. Put five journalists in a room. They all have the same people skills and the same writing skills but one of them knows how to code. That guy's got the job. Web is everything. I understand the basic concepts, but if I were to become skilled at this, I would be infinitely more attractive in my business.

But here's the thing: I don't want to be a webmaster. I don't want to code things. I don't even know if I want to work in media. What I do know is that I want to write. And if that's going to happen, I have to learn to be more creative. I just decided 30 seconds ago that my answer to the assignment is creativity! I came into this blog post thinking I was going to write about how I want to get better at photography, but that's not it ("plan to start learning" was to buy an expensive camera, which I'll probably still do). I want to be a writer and while it may never be my profession, I've never thought so long and hard about anything as about this growing desire to write a book. So, I think the first step in being more creative with my words is to be more creative with my hands and my eyes. I'm going to go find some versatile classes that interest my creative side. I'm going now. I'll be back.

1. Painting - Oil and Acrylics, Multnomah Art Center
2. Handbuilding and Wheelthrowing (Clay), Multnomah Arts Center
3. Jewelry and Metalsmithing: Intro to Fabrication, Multnomah Arts Center
4. Creating Children’s Picture Book illustrations, Oregon School of Arts and Crafts

I like all those ideas, but I sat on this post for a few days. Then, on a sunny day last week, I walked to meet Margaux for lunch and chose to venture down Washington street in downtown Portland; I was astonished by how much foliage there was. It was a pleasant surprise to discover a route in the city that was so full of plant life. It instantly perked me up. I love plants. Lately, the only two careers I've really been interested in are writing and botany. I'm pretty good at houseplants. I've dabbled in vegetable gardens. I haven't really had the opportunity to grow a flower garden. But I really want to expand my plant prowess. These are my first steps toward becoming a more well-rounded plant-person:

1. Help roommate plant/maintain vegetable garden
2. Buy book on plant identification and go on a weekend excursion with said book to play and explore
3. Go mushroom hunting 3 times in the next 6 months
4. Plant or get a bonsai tree. Love it until I die.
5. Give somebody a gift of a plant once a month.

Number 5 is the most important. I've always loved taking care of my houseplants, but almost just as wonderful is watching a friend grow that same affinity. Perhaps someday, I'll write a book about plants. And it will be everything I ever wanted.

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