The best part about making a list

We all want to be somebody. There is this idea ingrained in us from movies and our idols and our parents that we can leave a legacy behind, no matter who we are. That we can be remembered. So maybe it starts out big, with the dream of being a famous actress. And then when you get a bit older and realize how big that childhood dream was, you start to think about a more subtle legacy, like writing a book or starting a non-profit or becoming a doctor and changing the world one person at a time. But later you get smarter and you realize that you really aren't smart enough for any of that, so again you reconsider. Now, your legacy might be that you raised an incredible family or that you traveled all over the world or that you filled your life with love.

It's sad to see dreams diminish as you age. As ideas prove to be more and more unattainable, our desires become less ambitious. I've given up on acting and going to space. I'm not going to write a legitimate book and I'm not going to grad school because there's no path I feel passionate about following. So now, even the little things are becoming harder: I'm struggling to be creative and I'm struggling to find value in my daily life. These days, my dreams feel weak and lazy. In fact, it feels like I'm giving up on having dreams at all. It's a lot easier to be satisfied with what you already took than to challenge yourself to take more. So, because like so many others, I'm afraid of change and failure and of what is difficult, now I'm just standing still.

Most days I feel happy and I tell myself that the direction my life is going feels right. But that one day each month, where I see through my own cover story and let out the critic, is enough to know I'm full of shit.

I don't want to stop trying and I don't want to stop growing, even if I don't know what I want to try. I have a good handful of friends who demand the ultimate fervor from themselves. These friends live each day like there are things to accomplish and that they won't be satisfied unless the dreams get checked off the list. I haven't even begun checking mine off. I've been erasing them. I want a list that gets bigger every day... with items that get crossed out, not that disappear. So, I guess I start by writing a list.

An exercise in stream of consciousness: "What would I do if I had all the time in the world?"
Write more. A lot more.
Take photos.
Play music.
Travel. Once a year, take a trip somewhere else in the world. Twice a year see a friend or family who lives somewhere else in the U.S.
Cook a new meal every week.
Cook meals for my friends.
Learn Spanish.
Learn French.
Take dance classes.
Take art classes.
Build things. Draw things. Make things.
Go on dates.
Don't be afraid to try to fall in love.
Call my grandparents.
Call my nephew.
Call my mom. She misses me.
Write letters to my friends.
Plant flowers and give plants.
Be more active. Run.
Read a book a month.
Watch less TV.
Go home more and see the friends who are important to me.
Try harder at work and be good at my job, even if I don't love it. It will lead me somewhere later on.
Stretch.
Try yoga.
Be happy being alone.
Ride my bike instead of driving my car.
Find places to swim.
Go to movies. Even if I have to go alone.
Tell the people I love that I love them in every way I can.
Find a real hobby so that when people ask you what you love you have an actual answer.

I've been pretty convinced — and convincing — that I'm really happy with my life right now. That having fun is my number one objective and it's true, I have been happy. But it can't last forever. And the days I question this are the days I should choose from this list. Because when I look at this in 5 years, I want to see that I struck these items out and continued to add more, not erase them because I'm sick of looking at them.

We have all made choices in life that led us to where we are. I can choose to be satisfied with mediocrity or I can do what I have done my entire life: work hard to prove to myself that I'm worth a damn.