You don't always get what you give

"Selfishness is not necessarily a bad thing. None of us can really help the way our brain processes the world and selfishness just means that you are at the center of your own."

A friend of mine said this to me when we were discussing why it's hard to get what you need from someone who is too selfish to make time for others, lest they miss something better. I do think he's right that we're wired a certain way, that we are nurtured to become the person our parents accidentally, or intentionally, turn us into. I don't really think it's someone's fault that they have been trained to care most about themselves. But I also believe that if you can't break free of that, if you can't give parts of yourself to others, then you are living a meaningless life.

It's hard to realize things about your friends that you just can't shake. You spend a lot of yourself investing in people that you care deeply for and after time, you're sometimes hanging on to something that isn't there anymore.

I recently had coffee with an old college acquaintance to talk shop about photography and I was pretty much in awe at what he has done with his life since school. He knew what he wanted to do professionally and personally and he did it. He told me that he has been spending the last few years getting rid of things in his life that he doesn't need and only holding on to the things that he truly wants and that fit into his future path. After we parted ways, I thought a lot about my own life and the pieces of it that I was holding on to for fear of letting go. From boxes of shit that I "might need again someday" to friendships that cause me more anxiety and sadness than they do joy.

I want to clean up my life. I want to get rid of the noise to make room for the things I need. I want to read more and play music and have good conversations. I want to write letters and get up earlier and feel satisfied. It's easy to say all the things I want to enrich my life with, but it is so difficult to actually make room for them.

I can throw out boxes of useless stuff and give away clothes I don't wear. I could probably even change my sleep schedule if I felt it was important for my happiness. But I just don't think I can let go those friendships. I want to believe that no matter the path we head down, the people we've chosen are there for a reason. On the other hand, if I am unwilling to say goodbye, I also have to be willing to accept that not every person in my life can—or wants to—give me all the things I expect. We have all grown up to be different people. We see the world in different ways and we each give what we can give. I give a lot to my friends: as kind words or long talks or fun nights out or tubes of lipstick. What I give most easily is my heart and my ear and my advice because I grew up to be a communicator and I have always believed our relationships are better when they're honest.

Not everyone can give that. And I won't be happy unless I accept this or say goodbye to those who cannot. But I've never liked saying goodbye. So I think my new challenge is working on accepting that my relationships may not always be what I expect, but that doesn't make them less important. When I move out of my house in a month I'll be tossing away the trash I don't need. That'll have to do for clean up. I won't be cleaning up my friends... just my expectations.