Stuck in the middle

Okay, the binge is done. It's February now. I had my month of college nostalgia. My partner in red-lipped dancing crime has left me for Colombia so it's been a lot easier to settle down. For the most part I'm back to my regular, mediocre life.

But the next question, now that party stage 2012 is on its way out (save for the crazy bender I'm going on this weekend in Seattle), is "what's next?"

On Sunday I went for a hike in the NW Portland hills and I passed by these beautiful homes with spectacular gardens. This little piece of me yearned to be a homeowner and to go shopping for furniture and fancy kitchen appliances and to plant a garden and host parties and sit by my fire with a book and a love. But in a moment it was gone and I found myself suddenly jealous of my friends who were living large. Going out every night, doing blow like it's going out of style (wait, didn't it already?), banging different chicks every night and waking up to breakfast at Denny's. What is this? Some fucking movie about frat boys? But seriously, most of the people I'm jealous of are my guy friends who are not in relationships. They're the ones getting instant gratification. Honestly, I'm not actually very jealous of the friends that are in relationships, which completely contradicts my seemingly most important goal: boyfriend.

Suddenly I wonder, do I even want to fall in love? I spend so much of my time analyzing why I can't find it, why nobody wants to be with me. But when I really think about it, I wonder if I am just so terrified of losing my independence that in actuality, against my will, I'm trying not to fall in love... I think of all the things that change in relationships: the sharing of space, the constant communication, the answering to someone about your decisions and whereabouts, the need to please someone else. That doesn't sound fun at all. But then, I think about the companionship and validation. The sharing of life's important achievements. Having someone to count on. The ability to have sex whenever you want it. But then, the sex drive goes away and you don't want it. But then, you replace it with other things that make you happy like traveling and kids and growing old together. But then, the sex...

Take me back in time when I was 20 and it was all pretty clear: I'm in college. I'm going to class (sometimes) and I do homework (sometimes) and then I drink a lot and eat burritos a lot and do drugs and laugh and laugh and laugh. If a boy comes along, I might love him, or I might sleep with him, but I always know that it won't last because, well, it's college. I have the future to look forward to, but the great thing is that it's so far away I don't even think about it. I'm surrounded by friends, I get three months off for summer, my loans pay my bills and I sleep til 11 nearly every day. I'm a child pretending to be a grown up and damn it's easy.

Now I'm an adult pretending to be a grown up and it's hard because I just don't want to be.