OkKillMe

Internet dating. Sigh...

I haven't written much about it because frankly, it really sucks. The pressure of knowing that everyone is out there to find love and that you may or may not make the cut, the stigma that hovers around internet dating even if everyone is doing it these days, the anxiety over meeting someone and then being judged harshly, the lonely search through hundreds of other lonesome souls. I've been on and off OkCupid for the last two and a half years and I haven't dated a ton of guys, but there have been enough to have some stories and some experiences. Like the guy who took me to shoot guns for the first time and paid for me to shoot a machine gun AND a Barrett 50cal...
 

Or that other guy who took me bow and arrow shooting and I discovered I was kind of amazing at it and put him to shame. Or the narcoleptic guy I dated who taught me what a truly horrible but hilarious disease it is (no, he didn't fall asleep during sex, but he did have to keep his leg locked during orgasm so he wouldn't collapse). Or the one I actually really liked, but who slept in a hammock, filled his watch with moss when it stopped working and refused to believe in having a job. I've had some deeper feelings for these internet guys and I've had no feelings for these guys and I've had strictly sexy feelings for some of these guys, but I've definitely, definitely never fallen in love.

I guess it makes sense. If I strike out on the love front in real life, then why wouldn't I strike out on the internet? I will say that the good thing that's come out of this all is that I've learned a lot about how to date and be a good date and what I want in a guy. Some lessons for a curious soul:

1) Don't message with someone for too long before meeting.
I learned this one with the first internet boy I met. We had an amazing rapport, always making each other laugh and sending flirty texts. It took at least a month before I met him and in that time we talked throughout the day, every day. Everything felt so good with him until we met. He was a great guy, but I just didn't feel romantic feelings for him at all. I tried really hard to like him because I wanted so bad for what we had in words to exist face to face. It didn't. Now if I'm going to meet someone, it's after just a couple of message. Let's just get this part over with and see if there's something there.

2) No food dates on a first date.
What if it's horrible? How do I know if this is going to be a total mess? If it is, I want to be able to escape. Can't do that if I have a meal in front of me. Let's start with a beer on a weeknight and then we can decide if we want more. If we're lucky, we'll stay out way too late having too much fun and regret picking a weeknight when we're hungover at work in the morning.

3) Get out while the getting out is good.
Trust your instincts. If something feels off, it probably is. If I am not really attracted to you, I shouldn't bother with a date. Enough of that high and mighty "I'm going to step outside of my norm and see if the guy I've been waiting for comes in a different package than what I usually go for." Yep, that's definitely a possibility. But that's gotta come naturally, not in a forced situation like this. It's awkward enough going on what is essentially a blind date. At least start with what you think is physical attraction and hope for the best in the other places. There is always going to be the real world for accidentally and unexpectedly falling in love with the guy you never thought you'd be attracted to but who was just... so... perfect.

4) Don't do all the listening.
From what I hear, typical girls do most of the talking on early dates. I'm the opposite. I'm so terrified of awkward silence that I usually just keep firing questions. The good dates find a way to equal out the conversation so that we aren't just talking about him, but the bad ones are just as nervous and let me do all the asking. By the end of the date I realize that he hasn't learned a thing about me because I didn't let him and I can't be sure he even has an opinion of whether or not he likes me because we really just talked about him. The really narcissistic guys usually do like me after these dates because what they are really looking for is a girl who will worship them, which I'm sure I appear to be doing. I learned this lesson with some of the first guys I went out with and have made a very strong point of not doing this anymore. Let there be silence sometimes and see how he fills it. If he can't, he's a dud.

5) Just because you match on paper does not mean you will match in life.
Internet dating sites are designed to match you up with someone who already shares your interests. You think the same kinds of jokes are funny and share similar political and social values and you both hate bad grammar and think people should brush their teeth twice a day and prefer a trimmed pubic region and think that magicians are weird and that dinosaurs are awesome and blah blah blah. This is all well and good but it sure as hell doesn't mean you are going to be attracted to each other. It doesn't say anything about whether or not you can make each other laugh or if he's going to touch your leg in a way that drives you insane. Or maybe he will. But then you find out that he's actually a total stoner that has no ambition or who is really rude to strangers or that he doesn't want to have kids or maybe that he does. The algorithms of these dating sites are pretty good at telling you what you want to hear. But they're probably wrong. You're gonna go through a lot of shitty guys before you get one that's actually good.

I guess this is what all dating is like when you get to know someone. But the surprise element that comes with blind dates, or being set up by a friend, or even going on a date with a person you met briefly at a bar — that surprise is what makes dating both interesting and horrifying.

I dream of falling in love with a friend of a friend who's been going to the same parties as me. Or maybe someone I've known a long time. Or perhaps I meet him organically at a laundromat or a dance party and we hit it off immediately and end up talking for hours. These things don't happen to me (they must happen to somebody right?) so I'm settling for the internet because if I didn't, I might never go on a date at all. I wish I had the courage to go out in public and talk to strangers but as it turns out, adult life is just a big clique. I go out with my friends because I like my friends and then I stay with my friends because I like being with my friends.

I've dated a couple handfuls of guys from the internet and I haven't found a single one to be worthy of a future. I go back and forth wondering "would I rather date more loser guys and have them not work out or date no one at all?" This I have not answered. But I'm leaning toward the latter, which means I might be saying goodbye to the men of OkStupid as the Boyfriends like to call it.