But I've been alone for many years and what I've learned is that in the absence of the thing you really desire, you have to find other things to make you happy. Your friends and your nights out and your family and yourself. I have done a pretty good job of creating a life I am proud of. I've got great friends and a good job and the complete ability to take care of myself. I am the most independent girl I know and I am proud of that.
So while I'm sitting and waiting for the love of my life to come along—and learning to cope with the possibility that it could still be a very long time—I struggle with one horrible truth that cannot be altered by positive thinking and substitution therapy.
Sex sucks when you're single.
I know this can't be true for everyone but I believe I'm a good test case for the bulk of single female women; I've been practicing. We all know a girlgasm is hard to come by anyway, but without emotion attached, for me it's nearly impossible. Take me home passionate stranger and we'll probably do something crazy and have a great time. But we won't make it past the excitement of the unknown. Take me home boy I've been dating and with whom I already know this is going nowhere. We'll probably be glad we did, but you're not going to make me feel the way I want to feel. Take me home good friend of mine. We'll wake up laughing and then hang out all day as friends do and it'll be so fun and funny, but the satisfaction will be fleeting.
We are collecting names without collecting memories. We are writing lists of meaningless lovers without feeling love. And as the list gets longer and as time goes by, we start to forget what sex is for. My generation is one that no longer attaches meaning to sex. It is just a thing we do; it is not a thing we feel. We go to porn festivals and we sleep with our friends and we brag about our conquests, but so many of us continue to wake up alone, even when we're next to someone. This is the kind of lonely that you actually feel. It's a physical loneliness that cannot be disguised by hobbies or work or friendship. This loneliness is taking over my body because when it means nothing, sex also feels like nothing.
I started writing this post on the plane on my way to New York. I intended to end it with a promise that I would be more intentional with my sexuality. A promise that I wouldn't waste my time having sex just to have sex. That if I could get back to the feeling behind it, I could get back to the point. But then I went to Manhattan and had my first honest-to-god, never-speak-to/see-you-again one-night-stand and it was fun and exciting and I had no regrets. I'm 28. I'm free from obligation and I'm free from moral guilt. I'm a human and I do not believe that we should limit our sexuality to the confines of being in a relationship. It's hard to tell myself to not be the person that I am and always have been. I'm open and curious and free. I know this part of me won't ever change so why would I ask myself to change it? But sadly I also know that as long as I'm giving in to the carnal desire of man, I'll keep yearning for the experiences that mean more and feel better.
A lot of friends of mine in relationships tell me they are jealous that I've been able to explore sexually and have an adult sex life. They think it's a luxury to be free to do what I want and experience the world as it is and as it evolves. I think they're wrong. Love is the luxury. Anyone can find someone to take them home. Love is what makes them come.
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