Being a boyfriend

Being one of the boys can be great. I feel funny and special and well-liked. But I also feel like a boy. I was invited into an obscene, hilarious, elite boys club. It exists in secret on the internet. In it, I don't often instigate, but mostly react. I observe and respond to the silly things they say, delighting in the absurdity while simultaneously passing judgement at the insanity of the way a boy's mind works. This group is crude and inappropriate and most certainly every single one of us is going to hell.

But sometimes hell is worth an invite. The first girl; what an honor. There has since been another lady inducted, but she's a foreigner so she hardly counts. I'm sure there was immediate behind-the-scenes backlash from the group when a "fucking girl" got invited into the boyfriends club. But I'm in and as silly as it seems, being in makes me feel like a cool kid. I grew up with brothers and a very strong mother so I've always been tough and outgoing. I'm vulgar and crass and much of my humor makes at least somebody in the room uncomfortable. I can make anything into innuendo and I can usually make anyone (save for the total prudes) laugh, if not with actual hilarity than at least out of sheer discomfort at hearing a woman talk like that.

It's fun being funny. I've even been told I'm "not just funny for a girl, but actually funny," which is possibly the biggest compliment of my life. Luckily, I'm the worst feminist in the world because I knew what it meant, I agreed with it and I felt honored to be better than a girl.

But I am a girl. I don't actually try — or even want — to be one of the boys. I'm not a tomboy, I don't like sports and damn it, I still cry when my feelings are hurt. I want to be loved by a man and I want to be taken care of and I want to wear makeup and go out dancing. Being a girl like me can be hard. I'm told I'm intimidating, which cracks me up because I don't think I'm hot shit at all. Usually I hate most of the things I do. The story goes that men are afraid of strong women, of being put in their place and probably of funny girls because they think they should be the funny one in the relationship. I do believe that gender roles are changing and that what's traditional is no longer typical. But I also know from experience that men, even the very progressive ones, usually end up with a lady, while girls like me make awesome friends. I'm on a search for a man who won't be threatened by my wit or my obscenities or the fact that I'm friends with a lot of guys. I'm looking for the guy who is not only comfortable with, but enthusiastic about dating a boyfriend.