Why do we think we deserve everything? There was a time when people just lived. They went through the motions; they worked their jobs; they married somebody, whether they loved them or not. It was simple. It was life. It probably wasn't happiness, but the path was laid out for them. And the questions weren't so existential.
It's different today for us. We are a generation of wanting it all. We won't settle because, well, why should we? We went to college. We learned independence. We struggled and worked and tried and failed. We can start a new career every year if we want. We can stay unmarried and live free and without children. We can travel. We can run away. We can do exactly the opposite of what is expected.
We can do whatever we want, so why aren't we happy? Why must we always search for more and better? What is it that brings happiness in a world of possibility?
Money has always been important to me. My family didn't have it growing up, so I (and my brothers) have always placed value on it. It is stability and validation and security. Having a savings account is having a guarantee. I have, thus far, lived my adult life on a path toward stability... do I have enough savings to get me through this or that situation? Can I plan for retirement now like a responsible young adult? What's the smartest thing to do with my paycheck? This part of my brain is solid. I've never bought a thing on a credit card I couldn't pay back that month. I've never been in debt to anyone. I have always made my choices in such a way that I will not wonder: Can I get by?
But yet, there is another part of me, as big and pulsing and forceful as my practical side, that is seeping love and adventure and the desire for spontaneity. I want to find meaning and joy in everything I do. I want to live on boats and live out dreams. I want to wrestle in gardens and swim naked in seas. I want to laugh on every continent and sleep under every star. So I travel. And I dance. And I cultivate relationships that satisfy my need for the extraordinary. And at the same time, I put money in that bank account so I can afford the day-to-day that makes me feel secure. I put time in at a job that any adult should be proud to have. And I balance my work and my social life like a champ. But I don't quit my job to live in a cabin in the woods. Nor do I sell all my stuff and adventure across the country. I don't go WWOOFing in Australia or fishing in Alaska or train hopping in Europe.
My emotional core is pulling me one way, while my responsible nature is pushing me forward. I am a heap of contradictions and I want to figure out how to live both lives. How do we settle somewhere in the middle? How do we take the pieces of our lives and solve the puzzle so it fits just right. How do we wrestle the urge to stay young forever while also wrestling our innate desire to be grown up and take ownership.
I've been dating a guy who is kind of all of column B without much column A. He likes money, but he doesn't let it own him. He takes weird jobs and he takes chances and he doesn't settle. He truly believes he's going to die young because of disease in his family, so he wouldn't dare waste his time worrying about the future. I can't say I think it's smart, but I do find it admirable. He isn't consumed by the feelings of total dissatisfaction that plague me daily. He doesn't sit in front of a computer 30 percent of his life thinking about the million other things he'd rather do.
So why don't I do the things I desire? I desperately want the courage to take a chance. I want to live for love. I don't want to die with a healthy savings account that could have instead bought me a million memories. I don't want to waste my young years — or any of my years for that matter. God, grant me the courage to be fucking fearless.
Never for money; always for love.
From my favorite song ever written. With lyrics of liquid gold.
It's different today for us. We are a generation of wanting it all. We won't settle because, well, why should we? We went to college. We learned independence. We struggled and worked and tried and failed. We can start a new career every year if we want. We can stay unmarried and live free and without children. We can travel. We can run away. We can do exactly the opposite of what is expected.
We can do whatever we want, so why aren't we happy? Why must we always search for more and better? What is it that brings happiness in a world of possibility?
Money has always been important to me. My family didn't have it growing up, so I (and my brothers) have always placed value on it. It is stability and validation and security. Having a savings account is having a guarantee. I have, thus far, lived my adult life on a path toward stability... do I have enough savings to get me through this or that situation? Can I plan for retirement now like a responsible young adult? What's the smartest thing to do with my paycheck? This part of my brain is solid. I've never bought a thing on a credit card I couldn't pay back that month. I've never been in debt to anyone. I have always made my choices in such a way that I will not wonder: Can I get by?
But yet, there is another part of me, as big and pulsing and forceful as my practical side, that is seeping love and adventure and the desire for spontaneity. I want to find meaning and joy in everything I do. I want to live on boats and live out dreams. I want to wrestle in gardens and swim naked in seas. I want to laugh on every continent and sleep under every star. So I travel. And I dance. And I cultivate relationships that satisfy my need for the extraordinary. And at the same time, I put money in that bank account so I can afford the day-to-day that makes me feel secure. I put time in at a job that any adult should be proud to have. And I balance my work and my social life like a champ. But I don't quit my job to live in a cabin in the woods. Nor do I sell all my stuff and adventure across the country. I don't go WWOOFing in Australia or fishing in Alaska or train hopping in Europe.
My emotional core is pulling me one way, while my responsible nature is pushing me forward. I am a heap of contradictions and I want to figure out how to live both lives. How do we settle somewhere in the middle? How do we take the pieces of our lives and solve the puzzle so it fits just right. How do we wrestle the urge to stay young forever while also wrestling our innate desire to be grown up and take ownership.
I've been dating a guy who is kind of all of column B without much column A. He likes money, but he doesn't let it own him. He takes weird jobs and he takes chances and he doesn't settle. He truly believes he's going to die young because of disease in his family, so he wouldn't dare waste his time worrying about the future. I can't say I think it's smart, but I do find it admirable. He isn't consumed by the feelings of total dissatisfaction that plague me daily. He doesn't sit in front of a computer 30 percent of his life thinking about the million other things he'd rather do.
So why don't I do the things I desire? I desperately want the courage to take a chance. I want to live for love. I don't want to die with a healthy savings account that could have instead bought me a million memories. I don't want to waste my young years — or any of my years for that matter. God, grant me the courage to be fucking fearless.
Never for money; always for love.
From my favorite song ever written. With lyrics of liquid gold.
I'm just an animal looking for a home / Share the same space for a minute or two / And you love me till my heart stops / Love me 'til I'm dead
