You don't always get what you give

"Selfishness is not necessarily a bad thing. None of us can really help the way our brain processes the world and selfishness just means that you are at the center of your own." A friend of mine said this to me when we were discussing why it's hard to get what you need from someone who is too selfish to make time for others, lest they miss something better. I do think he's right that we're wired...

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Love is a luxury

It's been a long time since I've been in love. So long that I can't even remember what it feels like to love someone. I used to believe that love was all there is. I believed that our lives would only be truly fulfilled when we found someone to share them with. I believed that my life would be incomplete and sad and empty if I was alone. But I've been alone for many years and what I've learned is...

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Go down with the ship

I have a lot of flaws but one thing I am not is a flake. If there is a chance I don't think I'll follow through on something, I won't promise it. I believe in keeping your word and most importantly, I believe in loyalty. A loyalist. That's what the enneagram told me I am. It's a hippy dippy personality model that my dear hippy dippy friend Taran showed me early in college. I probably scoffed at it...

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It's lonely out in space

I've been back from Burning Man for a little over a week and I've been thinking and searching for ways to express what the experience meant to me but in the end, all I can do is lament about its disappearance. It's coming in many forms, sometimes sad messages between me and my lost loves, other times...

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Boat life

I've wanted to learn to sail for a long time. There's something so romantic about sailing culture. Boat people speak their own special language and have such respectable priorities. The thought of buying a boat, setting sail and spending months at sea is nothing short of a dream. But it's not just...

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Long time coming

I'm going to Burning Man this year. I've never been before and though my college friends went every year, I was honestly just never interested in it. Tonight I was talking to my cousin about this and how, while I'm pretty bummed I waited this long to go, I always knew it wasn't the right time in my life. I told him that "believe it or not, I used to be way more uptight." He laughed cause I still am...

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OkKillMe

Internet dating. Sigh... I haven't written much about it because frankly, it really sucks. The pressure of knowing that everyone is out there to find love and that you may or may not make the cut, the stigma that hovers around internet dating even if everyone is doing it these days, the anxiety over meeting someone and then being judged harshly, the lonely search through hundreds of other lonesome...

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Dance Yourself Clean

Disclaimer: I wrote this at 5am, drunk, after a night out dancing. It's not at all good. But I wanted to post it because these drunken words are sober thoughts and I'm not feeling like writing anything else. So, the thing about dancing... I have been known to say "if I had to choose between sex and dancing, I'd pick dancing every time." Someone's going to argue that I've never really had the kind...

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Nothing like a scolding to make you feel like a child

Lately I've been feeling like a grown up. I'm finally making good money, my clients like and respect me, I'm good at what I do and I know that I'm valued by my superiors. I have a grown up job and I guess in most ways I'm a "professional" (despite the fact that I work at a place where I can wear leggings as pants, my boss offers to pay for a team outing to see Reggie Watts and I can roll in late with...

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Being a boyfriend

Being one of the boys can be great. I feel funny and special and well-liked. But I also feel like a boy. I was invited into an obscene, hilarious, elite boys club. It exists in secret on the internet. In it, I don't often instigate, but mostly react. I observe and respond to the silly things they say, delighting in the absurdity while simultaneously passing judgement at the insanity of the way a boy's...

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Lessons in impermanence

When you become an adult, you think your friendships are safe. You've finally reached the point where you are who you are and the people around you accept that and they choose you because they want you, not because you are a part of the path they are taking to become who they will become. This is it. These are them. These are my people. Never again will I have to painfully watch a friendship...

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Tell your daughter she's pretty

My mom was a babe. A serious babe. When she was 13, she looked like a supermodel. In 8th grade she was voted "best looking" and in high school she was on the homecoming court in spite of being a total hippy that just wanted to smoke "spleefs" and spin pottery. She was beautiful. She still is. But being pretty affected her. It made her wary and distrusting. It made her self conscious and...

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Ya'll don't know what it's like

Being male, middle class and white. Sham on. I had a really good childhood. I have an amazing, loving nuclear family. My parents are still married, and they still like each other. My brothers are great friends of mine and look out for me. I didn't have any abuse or turmoil in my life. We didn't have much money, but we didn't need it. I had clothes and food and friends and love. My life has been...

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You've got the reverse issue with men

I'm describing a dream boat to my friend Erin. I won't say who he is, but I will say that I describe him as someone who is passionate about everything he likes, wants to share his personal success with his coworkers and who treats his wife amazingly. Erin looks to me and says "You've got the reverse issue with men. You want a man that's too good." I laugh and return with "The problem is that my dad...

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Stuck in the middle

Okay, the binge is done. It's February now. I had my month of college nostalgia. My partner in red-lipped dancing crime has left me for Colombia so it's been a lot easier to settle down. For the most part I'm back to my regular, mediocre life. But the next question, now that party stage 2012 is on its way out (save for the crazy bender I'm going on this weekend in Seattle), is "what's next?" On...

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Party like it's 2005

Okay, I'll admit it. I was being a bit dramatic. Day one of that cleanse was horrible. It was all about self control and questioning my intentions. By the end of the day I wasn't even hungry. I was just picturing what three weeks of denying myself everything was going to feel like and I wondered why I was even considering it. In the end, I was never really clear about my intentions and I decided...

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Cleanses are for fucking assholes

So more than one friend (two to be exact) both came to me separately about a month ago talking about cleansing. I'd never really thought about doing one and for some reason I decided that it sounded like a good idea. So I binged like hell over the holidays knowing that I'd be ridding myself of whatever whatever blah blah blah. I'm not really sure why I agreed to this. Is it truly about my health?...

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